So far among my peers I've seen nothing but unanimous praise for this company (founded by four college guys), which boldly bills itself as "The First Fashion Company Empowering Women to Prevent Sexual Assault."
I'm sorry. Come again?
The first fashion company. Empowering women. To prevent sexual assault.
Holy Rohipnol, y'all. There are SO. MANY. THINGS. wrong with that sentence. Not least of which is that it (ONCE AGAIN) puts the onus on women to "keep themselves" from getting raped.
To be clear, I believe in locking my doors at night. I carry pepper spray when I run alone after dusk. I'm not saying women shouldn't protect themselves. I'm saying women shouldn't protect themselves with nail polish.
1. Because nail polish is MAKEUP. And makeup should not be marketed to girls as a weapon to attract or repel men. If you rage against the fashion industry for setting impossible standards of beauty for your daughters, keep raging. Because now the fashion industry is setting impossible standards of self defense for your daughters. Too bad our little Chloe wasn't wearing her date-rape nail polish. Guess she was kind of asking for it.
2. Because nail polish is discrete. No need to make a SCENE, ladies. Just dip that pretty little pinky in your drink and you can (quietly *shhhhhh*) see whether that hunka hunka plans to rape you later.
3. Because nail polish is MAKEUP. I'm sorry. Did I say that one already? Good. Because it bears repeating. By investing in Undercover Colors, the first and only fashion company to "empower women" to prevent sexual assault, you're telling me that if I want to go out on a date, I need to get a motherfucking manicure to ensure my safety. How about I just punch you in the face with my overgrown cuticle hands instead?
4. Do I sound angry?
5. Good. Because, frankly, I'm sick and tired of fashion and empowerment coexisting in the same vapid, underconsidered, breath.
Why not a swizzle stick?
Why not an anti-assault swizzle stick sold to bars. That way, boys and girls, we can ALL check our cocktails for contamination? We can all be empowered to prevent sexual assault.
If women are being slipped a mickey so often that we need a "fashion" company to come to our rescue--we are in serious trouble, folks.
Surely someone else wants to give this nail polish the finger.