Weak words, man. I LOVE HER! And I shall call her Tori! Tori's face is exactly the same size as mine, and I've posted her on the wall of my office, directly over my left shoulder. It looks like she and her twisted smile are standing behind me all day long. When I went to lunch today, I propped her up in my chair with a pencil, so she could hold down the fort while I was gone. I also made her a friendly little name tag that says, Hi! My name is: Tori! so no one would be intimidated by her.
Tori's manners are top-notch, but she takes ZERO shizzle from the pizzle. Polite but firm is Tori's policy. That's why I have increased her salary and promoted her from Administrative Assistant to Administrative Assistant Slash Senior Complaint and Odd Request Management Coordinator. If someone has an issue, I just smile, point over my shoulder, and say, "Tori will be happy to assist you with that."
She is so lifelike that even our CEO could not resist stopping by to see her. As I explained to him Tori's role in the company, he gave me that familiar, "My face is smiling, but my heart is dialing Human Resources on your behalf" smile that I love so much.
Tori, this is everyone. Everyone, this is Tori: