I'm RIGHT here.
Just follow that humming sound. That's the sound of my enormous thighs rubbing together ... zzzzzzzzzzzzzz ... there ya go ...
And here I am!
Didn't recognize me for a second there, eh?
You're probably thinking, "Wow, she's really let herself go!" But in fact, that is not true! This pregnancy weight gain is all very calculated. In just six weeks, I'm going to get so big, I'm going to explode! Like a bald tire going 98 in a 55!
None of this old-fashioned "push ing the baby out" business, for me. No sir. I want to make a statement.
Kind of like the statement I made last night, when a leisurely family stroll turned into an obscene demonstration of how gravity, in the traditional sense, no longer applies to me. Or, rather, how it won't STOP applying to me. I guess this is to be expected when your belly is large enough to classify as its own planet. And likewise your ass. Anyway, we were walking along, minding our own business when Ella, the neighbor's dog who is, evidently, too sexy for her leash, approached to "say hello" to our dog, Sean. Not so friendly, she. So Sean quickly ducked out of his collar and ran into the middle of the street to make a clean getaway. I grabbed for Sean and missed. Then I grabbed for Gus and scooped him up in my arms. So maternal! So smooth!
No. Not so smooth.
Before I knew what hit me, I had lost all control of my person and was plummeting to the earth's core. But Larry thought I was still trying to save the dog! So he yelled, "Don't worry about the dog! Just hold on to Gus."
And that is when I "Officially Reached the Point of No Return in This Pregnancy." It is also the moment when I started crying and screaming at the top of my lungs, for all of East Nashville (and the two o ther dog walkers, who, of course, HAD to be walking by at exactly that moment) and my innocent young son to hear, "JESUS #$%#$%^#%$#$%# CHRIST, LARE! GIVE ME A GODDAMNMOTHER#$%#$^#$%#$%^#%^#%$# BREAK, I'M @#$%@#$@%$@$%@ FALLING AND I CAN'T ^&*(^&*^$$#$%^@ STOP! (SOB SOB, PSYCHO SOB)."
I don't know what came over me, other than the whole gravity thing. But I could not stop screaming obscenities! Nor could I stop falling. (Larry will claim it was seconds, but I swear I continued to fall and scream and cry like that for at least twenty minutes.)
So, since I am clearly no longer fit for society at large, I have decided to just hang it up and let my thighs BECOME a society at large.
Over which my ass will preside as Mayor.