Saturday I went to talk to my friend Leigh's Girl Scout troop about running. The girls were working on their sports badge, so I tossed together a few loose ideas of what I wanted to talk about (oh who am I kidding, I typed the whole thing out in outline form and revised it several times before printing it on nice stock and rehearsing it in my bedroom, sue me I'm a planner.)
So, first (I. Introductions) I asked them to introduce themselves and tell me their favorite sport and what they love about it. We went around the circle, with the girls practically tripping over themselves to tell me their favorite sports (most had more than one) until we got to a little redhead who said her favorite sport was singing. Not one to discourage artistic expression, I was all, sure, what the hell, singing is a great sport. And then I launched into an impromptu lesson about how singing uses the diaphragm, which is a muscle, all the while thinking is the diaphragm a muscle or am I totally bullshitting these impressionable little people I HAVE NO IDEA OH WELL WE'LL SOON BE MOVING ON ...
II. Why Running Is a Great Sport
I moved through this part pretty quickly, because I didn't want to lose my audience, but here was the basic gist.
• You can run all year round.
• It keeps you from being a big fat cow.
• You can run alone or with a group.
• It keeps you from being a big fat cow.
• Running doesn't require a lot of expensive equipment. Until you start running with a team and realize that your gear is totally lame and uncool and made of cotton, which is unsuitable at all times, but especially in the cooler weather, and you have the wrong kind of sneakers, and you go drop five or six hundred bucks at Fleet Feet.
• Running works a lot of different muscles, not that you can tell by looking at me, damn it all to hell.
• Running keeps you from being a walking mental health emergency helps you clear your head.
• And also it keeps you from being a big fat cow.
Somehow I managed to get through my entire 30 minute presentation without mentioning my pot belly, love handles or how my ass dropped like uncooked biscuit dough the second the clock struck midnight on my 35th birthday. Some things are meant to be a surprise.
Instead (Section III: Why It's Important to Exercise), I focused on matters of the heart. To kick things off, I flexed my bicep and asked, "What's this?" The girls said, "It's a muscle!". "Very good," I said. "And what about your heart? What is it?" "A muscle!" they said. (Smart girls). "Do you know what the heart does?" I asked. And the little redhead whose favorite sport is signing raised her hand and flapped it in the air and said, "It stores your passions and your hopes and dreams!"
"Yes! Yes!" I said. "That's exactly right. Your heart stores your passions, hopes and dreams. And also your failures, disappointments, unanswered yearnings and secret fears of inadequacy. But for the purposes of TODAY'S discussion, let's just say the heart squirts blood around, 'kay?"
I talked about how a healthy heart moves blood through your body. And how the blood carries important nutrients and oxygen to your cells blah blah blah IT'S TO KEEP YOU FROM LOOKING LIKE A BIG FAT COW AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.
No I didn't. Not once did I mention weight or calories or any of the things that will eventually ruin their chances for self acceptance! I am growing as a person.
Then we did a few stretches (IV. Stretching. a) quads b) hamstrings c) calves d) piroformus) and (V. Group Running Exercise) a little game, and we called it a day (VI. Conclusion: Metals/Team Picture).
The End.
So, first (I. Introductions) I asked them to introduce themselves and tell me their favorite sport and what they love about it. We went around the circle, with the girls practically tripping over themselves to tell me their favorite sports (most had more than one) until we got to a little redhead who said her favorite sport was singing. Not one to discourage artistic expression, I was all, sure, what the hell, singing is a great sport. And then I launched into an impromptu lesson about how singing uses the diaphragm, which is a muscle, all the while thinking is the diaphragm a muscle or am I totally bullshitting these impressionable little people I HAVE NO IDEA OH WELL WE'LL SOON BE MOVING ON ...
II. Why Running Is a Great Sport
I moved through this part pretty quickly, because I didn't want to lose my audience, but here was the basic gist.
• You can run all year round.
• It keeps you from being a big fat cow.
• You can run alone or with a group.
• It keeps you from being a big fat cow.
• Running doesn't require a lot of expensive equipment. Until you start running with a team and realize that your gear is totally lame and uncool and made of cotton, which is unsuitable at all times, but especially in the cooler weather, and you have the wrong kind of sneakers, and you go drop five or six hundred bucks at Fleet Feet.
• Running works a lot of different muscles, not that you can tell by looking at me, damn it all to hell.
• Running keeps you from being a walking mental health emergency helps you clear your head.
• And also it keeps you from being a big fat cow.
Somehow I managed to get through my entire 30 minute presentation without mentioning my pot belly, love handles or how my ass dropped like uncooked biscuit dough the second the clock struck midnight on my 35th birthday. Some things are meant to be a surprise.
Instead (Section III: Why It's Important to Exercise), I focused on matters of the heart. To kick things off, I flexed my bicep and asked, "What's this?" The girls said, "It's a muscle!". "Very good," I said. "And what about your heart? What is it?" "A muscle!" they said. (Smart girls). "Do you know what the heart does?" I asked. And the little redhead whose favorite sport is signing raised her hand and flapped it in the air and said, "It stores your passions and your hopes and dreams!"
"Yes! Yes!" I said. "That's exactly right. Your heart stores your passions, hopes and dreams. And also your failures, disappointments, unanswered yearnings and secret fears of inadequacy. But for the purposes of TODAY'S discussion, let's just say the heart squirts blood around, 'kay?"
I talked about how a healthy heart moves blood through your body. And how the blood carries important nutrients and oxygen to your cells blah blah blah IT'S TO KEEP YOU FROM LOOKING LIKE A BIG FAT COW AND EVERYONE KNOWS IT.
No I didn't. Not once did I mention weight or calories or any of the things that will eventually ruin their chances for self acceptance! I am growing as a person.
Then we did a few stretches (IV. Stretching. a) quads b) hamstrings c) calves d) piroformus) and (V. Group Running Exercise) a little game, and we called it a day (VI. Conclusion: Metals/Team Picture).
The End.
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