The May issue of Her magazine hits newsstands today. Look for the Pink Bins! My column, which you can also read online if you are so inclined, is entitled "Private Dancer". I didn't come up with that title, but I'm glad someone did, because I Am The Queen of the Very Long and Obnoxiously Clunky Column Titles That Are Guaranteed to Exceed the Designated Column Space Every Time. I basically type words until an art director clonks me over the head with a mallet.
Admitting you have a problem. The first step to recovery.
So thank you to my editor and art director at Her for assisting me in that regard. (Hi,
Ashley and Heather!)
In other news:
I don't have any other news.
Oh wait, yes! I do!
We finally broke down and hired a new cleanin[JINX PROTECTOR HAS DETECTED A POTENTIAL BREACH OF YOUR HAPPINESS AND DELETED POTENTIALLY JINX-PROVOKING CONTENT FROM THIS SITE TO ENSURE (subject undisclosed) DOES NOT MERELY DITTLE YOUR FURNITURE WITH A FEATHER DUSTER AND CALL IT A DAY, WIND UP IN JAIL LIKE THE LAST (subject undisclosed), OR ROB YOU F%$#@ BLIND.]
But seriously. This "helper" we have procured? When she described her vacuum cleaner to me, let's just say I felt very aroused. VERY aroused. I was all, stop it; I bet you say that to all the homeowners.
(Changing the subject)
Last night Larry was all HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THIS SWINE FLU? As if right that very minute the swine flu was in our neighborhood, eating garbage off of our front porch. That's one of the exciting things about living with Larry. You just never know which current events are going to inspire him to start building a fall-out shelter in the back yard. We still have a one-gallon can of cling peaches from 9/11.
I am the kind of person who will sob and shake violently over a fax that won't go, so I really don't need his or the media's help coming up with things to freak out about. Still, every once in awhile, if he sees that my feet are up and I'm feeling a little too relaxed about life, he'll shout from the next room "SO HOW ABOUT NORTH KOREA?"
Admitting you have a problem. The first step to recovery.
So thank you to my editor and art director at Her for assisting me in that regard. (Hi,
Ashley and Heather!)
In other news:
I don't have any other news.
Oh wait, yes! I do!
We finally broke down and hired a new cleanin[JINX PROTECTOR HAS DETECTED A POTENTIAL BREACH OF YOUR HAPPINESS AND DELETED POTENTIALLY JINX-PROVOKING CONTENT FROM THIS SITE TO ENSURE (subject undisclosed) DOES NOT MERELY DITTLE YOUR FURNITURE WITH A FEATHER DUSTER AND CALL IT A DAY, WIND UP IN JAIL LIKE THE LAST (subject undisclosed), OR ROB YOU F%$#@ BLIND.]
But seriously. This "helper" we have procured? When she described her vacuum cleaner to me, let's just say I felt very aroused. VERY aroused. I was all, stop it; I bet you say that to all the homeowners.
(Changing the subject)
Last night Larry was all HAVE YOU BEEN FOLLOWING THIS SWINE FLU? As if right that very minute the swine flu was in our neighborhood, eating garbage off of our front porch. That's one of the exciting things about living with Larry. You just never know which current events are going to inspire him to start building a fall-out shelter in the back yard. We still have a one-gallon can of cling peaches from 9/11.
I am the kind of person who will sob and shake violently over a fax that won't go, so I really don't need his or the media's help coming up with things to freak out about. Still, every once in awhile, if he sees that my feet are up and I'm feeling a little too relaxed about life, he'll shout from the next room "SO HOW ABOUT NORTH KOREA?"
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