Rather than drive all over kingdom come searching for sage dress shirts in sizes 4 and 6, I did a quick Google search, and came up with not just sage shirts, but sage SUITS.
Because the more sage, the better, I always say.
I always say that.
So, with the help of a very fine and patient gentleman named Steve in customer service at Wear Me Out Boys, I took the boys' measurements and delivered them over the phone, and confirmed once again that Patrick is an exact miniature replica of Larry. His proportions are identical. Which basically means that his arms and Torso will be getting basketball scholarships, while his legs are standing in the winner's circle at the Kentucky Derby.
I kept reading and rereading Patrick's arm and Torso measurements, and Steve kept asking me, "so this is the older boy, right?"
"Hold your horses, Stevie boy," I said. "I haven't told you the part about his legs yet. You'll see." Ultimately, I had to order Patrick a size five suit to accommodate his Torso (which I just now noticed I keep capitalizing, AS I SHOULD.) and the pants will just have to be hemmed.*
So, before the suits arrived, I told my mother that I'd ordered them online, and she was all, "online?" As in "The Internet?" As in "OUT THERE? WHERE BAD TASTE LURKS ON EVERY PIXEL?"
Yes! The very same!
"How bad can they be?" I said, chuckling to myself, knowing that her brain was already riddled with pictures of hideous shiny mint green suits.
"Are they shiny?" she finally asked.
"Not according to the picture," I told her, "but ONE NEVER KNOWS."
So the suits arrived, and the suits are ... Well, they are not shiny! Or mint green.
And yes, I plan to iron them.
I also plan to remember to buy the boys' matching shoes.
And I also plan to memorize the songs I'm singing at the reception.
Really, I do!
I'm not planning to have the words written on my hand in Sharpie or anything like that. BECAUSE I AM A PROFESSIONAL.
Except I'm not. At all. I am a professional singer in much the same way that the suits are sage. Which is to say, I'm FAWN.
Larry's band is providing the reception entertainment, and they have cooked up a fine selection of dance-friendly wedding songs, which they will play outside in the garden. Which is how I know that it will not rain. Or thunder. Or flash deadly lightning. Or do anything but BEAM HEAVENLY RAYS OF SUNSHINE ...
*Rigged with double-sided tape.