Next time you feel compelled to bitch about the kid who trick-or-treats wearing baggy street clothes and a peach fuzz mustache, remember: $16.99 for a skeleton mask. I know, I know, these kids should "pull themselves up by their boot straps" and "make a costume out of found objects and good old-fashioned ingenuity". Halloween isn't about HAND OUTS. It's about HARD WORK and DISCIPLINE. Take my work ethic, not my Snickers bites.
On Friday afternoon we attended our sixth Fall festival at Patrick's school. You'd think there'd be some kind of merit badge for doing this six years in a row. The drill is always the same. Trunk or treat. Bounce house. Bean bag toss. Cake walk. Gus complaining that no one gives a shit about his costume.
We're still working out the kinks on Gus's costume. This was sort of a test run to see what was working (glasses, wig, hat, motorcycle jacket?) and what was not (Spiderman track pants, Doc Martins, oversized sequined glove that fits like an oven mit).
I am determined to spend less than $10 on my own costume. So far, I'm considering "Sloppy Surgeon" (straightforward and gross) or "The Cat's Pajamas" (easy to execute). But I've been burned by costumes involving word play or literary references. One year, Larry and I were The Princess and the Pea (he was the pea, obvs), and people were like whuuhh? One year we were the King and Queen of beer. I wore a red vinyl Budweiser dress and a tiara (I almost always wear a tiara) and he wore a Budweiser bowling shirt and a crown. Again,hrmm?
I don't like having to explain my costume, but I also think there's something meh about grown men and women dressing up as actual things. Like cowboys and cowgirls. The effect is weirdly earnest. Too unironic. (Which, the first time I saw that word in print, in The Onion, I pronounced it "you-na-ronic" and my friend Chad was like, you don't understand anything, do you?) I also don't like the idea of being something SEXY for Halloween. All the women's costumes are like "Sexy witch." "Sexy maid." "Sexy Zombie".
Maybe I'll go as Sexy Susan Boyle.
That would be hilarious.
I guess the moral of the story is this: HELP.