Green, you say? You think green would look good on our kitchen walls? Then you are like me! (I knew I liked you.) But no. Napa Valley Green becomes Booger Valley Booger on our kitchen walls. I already have a surplus of mucous in my nasal cavities thanks to The Miracle Taking Place Within My Womb, so no-go on the Napa Valley Green.
Perhaps, you say, we should try a yellow-orange-golden-bread-crusty color? Wouldn't that be nice and different? Different yes. Nice? Au contraire, mon orange-loving frere. We slapped some Glidden Golden Gate on the wall, and it was like living inside a giant yam for five days. All kinds of wrong.
So maybe a nice rich red? The color of love? An appetizing color! A feng-shui color! A grizzly-murder-inside-the Revlon nail polish-factory color! Yes! Grizzly. And shiny. And not a little bit scary.
And of course, Home Depot doesn't let you purchase cute little sample cans of paint. You've got to buy a whole quart of gruesomeness and hope for the best. So in the interest of both my budget and my mental health, I surrender.
I'm painting the kitchen white (and by "I", I mean "Tom the painter guy"), and ... AND, I'm having a paint auction! One barely-used can of Booger Valley Booger to the highest bidder!
It'll, like, gag you with a spoon. I mean, like, totally! I swear.