Monday
One of my coworkers snooped through my tax return and then had the nerve to complain to the higher-ups that I am overpaid. That's like robbing someone's house and then bitching to the police that the people have tacky furniture. Despite the fact that the return was in a closed file without my name on it, friendly coworker also complained that I "left this information where anyone could easily walk by and see it" so I must have been DELIBERATELY trying to rub his nose in the MOUNDS AND MOUNDS of money I make.
Thursday
Speaking of the MOUNDS AND MOUNDS of money I make, have I told you about the very sleek and fancy car I drive? First of all, it is sleek. And second, FANCY! Nothing says unbridled wealth like a 1996 Toyota Tercel with an oxidized roof, broken taillight, and missing door handle. That's what I always say. I see why people would be jealous of me and my lavish spending. Anyway, today may be the last I see of my little Tercy, as the car was probably totaled in the accident yesterday. Totaled but driveable. THAT'S HOW FANCY MY CAR IS. It would cost more to repair it than the car is actually worth. As for the accident, I am fine. No one was badly hurt. Someone blew a tire about five cars ahead (we think), the car in front of me came to an abrupt hault, I came to an abrupt hault behind her, and the two cars behind us, who were not able to stop in time, came to an abrupt hault when they ran into each other and ME, knocking my Tercy into the car in front of me. If you know a bit about my history, you know that I have been involved in a number of car accidents. That number is six. None of them were my fault, though I hesitate to add that, knowing all the men (and perhaps a few women) in the audience are going YEAH RIGHT, NOT YOUR FAULT, MRS. SIX CAR ACCIDENTS CRAPPY DRIVER LADY. I have totaled two cars. Today might make it three. And if that turns out to be the case, I am hoping that three will be the charm. Please may I have no more car accidents? Okaythanksbye.
Friday
My neck hurts. I don't believe it's a result of the accident; I believe it's the result of MY CHILDREN WHO THINK MY BED IS A CHRISTMAS TREE AND I SIMPLY AN ORNAMENT THAT DANGLES FROM ITS OUTERMOST BRANCHES. They get offended if I don't move over and hang 80 percent of my body off the mattress to make room for them, which means that I am a sucker. And my neck hurts. And also? I have to go to work.
It's been nice talking to you.
P.S. The insurance company said they may give me a choice between declaring the car a total loss (cutting me a check for the value of the car and taking the car away) and writing me a smaller check to repair the damages. Given the above description of the car, which option would you choose? The car would have to be repaired in order for me to keep driving it, since the front end is smashed. Taking the money and driving it smashed up is not an option.
One of my coworkers snooped through my tax return and then had the nerve to complain to the higher-ups that I am overpaid. That's like robbing someone's house and then bitching to the police that the people have tacky furniture. Despite the fact that the return was in a closed file without my name on it, friendly coworker also complained that I "left this information where anyone could easily walk by and see it" so I must have been DELIBERATELY trying to rub his nose in the MOUNDS AND MOUNDS of money I make.
Thursday
Speaking of the MOUNDS AND MOUNDS of money I make, have I told you about the very sleek and fancy car I drive? First of all, it is sleek. And second, FANCY! Nothing says unbridled wealth like a 1996 Toyota Tercel with an oxidized roof, broken taillight, and missing door handle. That's what I always say. I see why people would be jealous of me and my lavish spending. Anyway, today may be the last I see of my little Tercy, as the car was probably totaled in the accident yesterday. Totaled but driveable. THAT'S HOW FANCY MY CAR IS. It would cost more to repair it than the car is actually worth. As for the accident, I am fine. No one was badly hurt. Someone blew a tire about five cars ahead (we think), the car in front of me came to an abrupt hault, I came to an abrupt hault behind her, and the two cars behind us, who were not able to stop in time, came to an abrupt hault when they ran into each other and ME, knocking my Tercy into the car in front of me. If you know a bit about my history, you know that I have been involved in a number of car accidents. That number is six. None of them were my fault, though I hesitate to add that, knowing all the men (and perhaps a few women) in the audience are going YEAH RIGHT, NOT YOUR FAULT, MRS. SIX CAR ACCIDENTS CRAPPY DRIVER LADY. I have totaled two cars. Today might make it three. And if that turns out to be the case, I am hoping that three will be the charm. Please may I have no more car accidents? Okaythanksbye.
Friday
My neck hurts. I don't believe it's a result of the accident; I believe it's the result of MY CHILDREN WHO THINK MY BED IS A CHRISTMAS TREE AND I SIMPLY AN ORNAMENT THAT DANGLES FROM ITS OUTERMOST BRANCHES. They get offended if I don't move over and hang 80 percent of my body off the mattress to make room for them, which means that I am a sucker. And my neck hurts. And also? I have to go to work.
It's been nice talking to you.
P.S. The insurance company said they may give me a choice between declaring the car a total loss (cutting me a check for the value of the car and taking the car away) and writing me a smaller check to repair the damages. Given the above description of the car, which option would you choose? The car would have to be repaired in order for me to keep driving it, since the front end is smashed. Taking the money and driving it smashed up is not an option.
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