I turned 30 last week, people. And my brother, (Happy Birthday, G) turned 20. He's in Scotland now, studying theology at St. Andrews University, and, if he knows what's good for him, he won't go all Madonna on me and return to "the states" with some phony-ass accent. (G, If you utter the word 'blokes' in a sentence, with no expression of irony, you are dead to me.)

Speaking of the brother, he wrote me this birthday wish: "Have a very happy birthday with a heart full of joy, sugar plum fairies, gumdrops and pixie laughter." The humor on him. I swear.

Want to know the first thing I did for my birthday? l canceled my birthday party. Why? Because it was my birthday wish to go to bed at nine o'clock! How sad is that! I hadn't even hardly invited anyone before I made Larry start calling people to say to hell with it. Fetch me a glass of Geritol wine! I'm thirty now. I also made a double birthday wish. I wished for someone to mop the kitchen floor. Then I wished for the dog to observe a five-inch no-fly zone around my face. Ever since he got shaved (a story for another day), he's been needing constant reassurance that we still LOVE him, and think he's HANDSOME, and find him to be the FURRIEST BEST. Very needy. Very in my face. So I wished for that. The no-fly zone.

Then I took a nap. With the dog sitting on my forehead.

I'm glad Gus is learning sign language at school, I really am. I just wonder if Porno Gary is the very best teacher for him. What do you think?

You'll have to forgive me. I'm coming off a four-day tradeshow in Miami, and a very late-in-life discovery of the unmitigated deliciousness of tonic water and the things that go in it.

Pay attention. If you ever want to manage people, you need to know this:

EMPLOYEES ARE NOT MOTIVATED BY MONEY.

You thought they were? 
You are so stupid!
They are not. No sir.

I just heard from a very important "management expert" that employees are not, in fact, motivated by money. And I know it must be true, because this guy makes a LOT of money. So, you know, he would know.

What's especially interesting, though, is the myriad of ways employees LOVE to be motivated! So many ways! A myriad of them! None related to money!

And I know this list of motivational tools is really real! And true! Because there is no way that a guy who makes a ton of money would stand up in front of his peers (who also make a ton of money), and LIE. Especially KNOWING that they are paying him a TON of money for this very important information.

So, future managers of employees, here are the REAL ways you can motivate your employees:

1. Praise them for a job well done. 
2. Make them feel as if their contribution is important and valuable.
3. FREE movie tickets!
4. Lunch with senior management.
5. Reward them with a plum assignment!

I'm sorry.
For a second there it sounded like you said, "PLUM assignment."

"Heck, Wally, don't tell the Beave, 'cause I don't wanna brag! But I just landed a PLUM assignment! Let's go down to the malt shop and celebrate!"

And, is anyone else a bit perturbed that what used to be considered "good manners" is now being hailed as The Next Big Idea in employee incentive programs? "Praise them for a job well done!" "Make them feel AS IF their contribution is important and valuable!"

Now, how about you tell me who's been drinking too many vodka tonics?