Mr. Nice--as his name would imply--was very nice. Nice to me, nice to his friends, nice to his family. Just nice.
And I mean just nice.
Beyond the fact that he was nice and I like nice people, we had very little in common. If you were to make a Venn diagram out of our hobbies and interests it would like two headlights flashing WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE THESE TWO PEOPLE DOING TOGETHER in Morse code.
Eventually, the relationship fizzled to an inaudible (yet amicable) pop, and I thought very little about it until a year or two had passed and my mother showed me a picture.
It was a picture of me and an extremely rotund gentleman smiling by my side.
"Who is that?" I asked.
"That's you and Mr. Nice."
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
"But Mr. Nice wasn't fat!"
"He wasn't at first," my mom said.
I mean this person was borderline obese. Not the cute, athletic Mr. Nice I remembered at all. And I'd had no idea. I just didn't see it.
I suppose the weight gain had been gradual, but the difference was PHENOMENAL. How I didn't notice it is just ... I don't know ... a testament to my incredibly poor observational skills? Or maybe I just thought he was really nice, and I was seeing him with my incredibly pure and loving heart? Or probably I was drunk. I DON'T KNOW.
But it's happened again!
I got an email from one of my readers last night. The email linked to a picture of me and Gus that she had found posted on one of her favorite blogs. A picture you might remember.
A picture I thought was a damn near perfect likeness of my adorable boy until I saw it in the context of a web site called PHOTOSHOP DISASTERS.
Go! Visit! You'll see ...
He has no hands!
I don't even think those are his real arms!
I ran to grab the actual box out of the closet, grumbling and huffing about that can't be right ... Hoax ... Please ... grumble give me a break, he does NOT look like a Squid Boy on the actual box--OH MY GOD! HE DOES! HE DOES LOOK LIKE A SQUID BOY ON THE ACTUAL BOX! And everyone's talking about it!
Up until I read the comments on PhotoShop Disasters, I had never noticed the PhotoShopping. Not AT ALL. And I've been giving these boxes as gifts!
Hello and Happy Birthday! Here is me and my son who has neither hands nor muscle tone! And we are swimming! Good thing he has the ring, eh?
Thank you Jennifer, for bringing this matter to my attention.
I'll be looking at my loved ones a little more closely from now on.
(Editor's Note: Where the comments left off last night, no one had said anything particularly ugly about me or Gus personally, but I caution readers who might have been involved in giving me or Gus life not to read too far down, as it's very possible they'll be attacking my stupid haircut (justified!) and God knows what else in the future. People can be mean. But this site is pretty hilarious.)