Remember when Clairol Herbal Essences Shampoo offered a “totally organic experience” engineered for bespectacled middle managers who wanted to unleash their wild sides in the shower, in their cubicles, at work? It was ideally formulated for suburban soccer moms in high-waisted khakis, standing in the produce section, thumping their melons and massaging their roots while Dr. Ruth advised them, “If you think that’s good, try the body wash.”

Those days are over. Herbal Essences has been reincarnated as a perky periwinkle bottle of hair potion. And I’m buying it.

What am I, eight? The last time I did anything involving potion, I was in second grade, grinding up crab apples, Ivory, and acorns in Mandy Montanaro’s backyard to make “gourmet apple soaps” we could sell to her elderly neighbor, Mr. Ralph.

Now I’m thirty-two and lathering my scalp with a “love potion” for “bad hair breakups,” the magic ingredient of which is a “fusion of coco mango and pearls.”

Pearls of what, I wonder. Teenage wisdom?

When I read the back of the bottle, I want to wash its cheeky little mouth out with …well … soap.  “Use me,” it purrs. “Love that lather … Rinse and repeat … Revenge is sweet and sudsy.”  The pearls and coco mango make it so.

And while I can’t tell you exactly what a coco mango is; I can tell you that for the first time my head smells exactly how it feels. Like it could use a shot of rum.

If you don't see a new site design, refresh your browser. (That's that little round arrow thingy at the top of your screen, Mimi.) I decided to use a generic template for this blog, because

a) I was bored of the old look

and

b) I am completely and utterly lacking in web design and programming skills.

The other day someone asked me if I have a blog feed, and I was all, "I don't know, but it sounds delicious!"

I have since educated myself about feeds, and discovered the wonderful time-wasting properties of Google Reader in the process.

Thanks to you, Mark, I am now at least 33.3% less productive!

Gus points to a lone white Volvo in a church parking lot: "Is that God's car?"

What I Think Actually Happened:

Him: Do you know if there are any SunTrust Banks anywhere around here?
Me: I thought Suntrust got bought out by Regions.
Him: No, they didn’t. There are like a million SunTrusts all over the city.
Me: So why did you ask me if I knew where any were? 
Him: Fine! Never mind! I’ll do it myself! God!
Me: ?!%?


What I Think Actually Happened In His Mind:

Him: Could you do me a favor and pay this bill at Suntrust during lunch?
Me: Screw you. I’ve got a three month backlog of People magazines to catch up on, not to mention all that leftover Valentine’s candy. That stuff doesn’t just eat itself, you know.