That woke me up.
"What next?" I asked Larry. "Are you going to tell him we have hearts? And the ability to reason? I thought we agreed he must NEVER KNOW."
So before Gus could get comfortable, I told him that his father had made a terrible mistake, and I returned him to his bed. After 90 minutes of screaming and threatening us (I'm not going to be your SON, I'm not going to eat ANY breakfast tomorrow, I'm going to THROW UP ALL OVER THE RUG), he finally crashed out of exhaustion, while I slipped into a dream where I was blogging at work. Do not attempt to blog at work, even in your dreams, because when I hit SAVE, my computer made a hideous noise, the screen went black, and the words PERMANENT FATAL ERROR appeared in white, evil, computer font.
And here I am! So. Formspring Q&A it is! (Thank you Formspring! And thank you people who are still asking questions over there. By the way, if I don't answer your question right away, it's not because I don't like your question or because you are not a great person. You are a WONDERFUL person. I like you very much. (Whoever you are.) Just give me time. (Or little sacks of money, if you need an answer right away.)
Q: Who is your favorite comedienne? Are you a classic Lucille Ball type? A bawdy Kathy Griffin fan? The thinking woman's favorite, Madeline Kahn? You may choose more than one answer.
I usually try to sidestep questions about my favorites, because I know I'll disappoint people when my answers don't match up with THEIR answers, or with their expectations of how anyone with HALF A BRAIN would answer. I refuse to engage in debates about what CD I would take on a desert island if I could only take one, because no one would ever let me sit at their lunch table ever again if I did. (I LOVE YOU, BILLY JOEL!)
But about those comediennnnnnnes. I don't like that they can't just be called comedians. We are not in France. The last thing our nouns need is gender issues. I am not an advertising account executivess. But whatever. Moving on.
I'm generally not a fan of slapstick or physical comedy. Lucille Ball stuffing chocolates in her mouth to beat the assembly line doesn't make me laugh so much as it makes me very, very nervous. I remember watching that episode when I was four years old and thinking OH MY GOD, SHE SHOULD JUST CONFESS THAT SHE IS NOT UP TO THE TASK AT HAND. I'M SURE HER BOSS WOULD UNDERSTAND IF SHE JUST EXPLAINED THE SITUATION. Scenes in which comedians or comedic actors get themselves into crazy scrapes or "fixes" just make me want to climb out of my skin. I realize this is a fundamental flaw in my own design, but it's who I am.
Meet the Fockers, for example? NOT FUNNY TO ME. Horrible. Tragic. I just wanted to reach into my TV, rescue Ben Stiller, and buy him a nice gourmet cupcake and some new pajamas. POOR BEN STILLER. Oh my GOD, that movie stressed me out.
Yes, I like Kathy Griffin. Her schtick about Celine Dionne is pants-wettingly wonderful. Sarah Silverman, Chelsea Handler ... they're outrageous. And very funny.
One who really inspires me, though, is Ellen DeGeneres. There's a warmth to her humor that's hard to come by these days. She's incredibly witty without being ugly and loud and "controversial", which is no easy feat. And oh (!) how I wish American Idol came on after the boys were asleep so I could watch it, because Ellen is light years more entertaining than Paula Abdul. And also not flirting with Simon like a sixth grade girl. And also not drunk.
In summary, EVERYTHING IS BETTER WITH LESBIANS.