Then there are my GOALS, which I know what they are, but I won't bother sharing, because really they're of little interest to you.
And then there are the things I do on a regular basis, which look to the outside world like mini missions, and sort of behave like goals, but really they are completely unintentional; one of which is testing--no, obliterating--the patience of our technology department.
Me: Hi technology department!
TD: Oh, (you again) hi.
Me: Um, so, that thing you did?
Me: Tell me one more time why you did that!
TD: Blah blah blah numerals dots matrix deploy code blah code blah test test test QA turnaround ip address Earl Earl blah blah blah.
Me: So, will it be finished by when I said?
TD: Well, as I just said, blah blah blah numerals dots matrix deploy code blah code blah test test test QA turnaround ip address Earl Earl blah blah blah.
Me: Oh. So how come I can't see it?
TD: (Because you're an IDIOT!) Well, here's the link again. Try clicking on this.
Me: Ooh! I see it now! And it's pretty! Really pretty! And good! I like it! Good job! You're smart! I like it!
TD: Heh. Thanks! (You're an IDIOT!)
Me: So, if I need to change something--like say the date that shows up there--how would I do that?
TD: Just go to the notes database.
Me: The what?
TD: The notes database.
Me: Oh, okay. (Whistle. Try to act natural.) Um, so and where would I find that?
TD: You know where you've been going to check your email ALL day EVERY day for the past YEAR?
TD: That's a notes database!
TD: Indeed it is!
Me: Wow. So I just go to my email?
TD: Well, no.
Me: Oh. (Rats!)
TD: You go to your email and then you click on file and then click on database and then click on open and then ...
Me: Hang on. I need a pen.
TD: It's simple, really.
Me: Nevertheless. A pen. I need one.
Me: Okay. So I (writing) cliiiick onnnnnn FIIIIILE ... and then click on D-A-T-A-B-A-S-E and then cliiiick on OPEN ...and then what?
TD: And then it's open!
Me: Oh! Cool. And then what?
TD: Well, it's open. So you change the date.
Me: Oh good!
TD: (But hooooooow?)
Me: But how?
And on and on and on it goes.
I bet these guys feel like the French parts of Canada when I call. They look American and they must get along with the American and sell maple leaf souvenirs to the American, but really they'd just rather be oot and aboot speaking French with their tech savvy French Canadian friends.
Am I right?
*I'm right. I'm right. I know I'm right.
(*Bonus points if you can name the movie that last line is from and which character said it.)