High Level Executives with Cutesy Titles: If you are, say, the Chief Technology Officer of a large organization, just say so. There's no need to be adorable and aww-shucksy about it, refering to yourself on your business card as "Chief Button Masher" or "Head Electron Wrangler".
People Whose Solution to Weight Loss is "Just Don't Keep Junk Food in the House": You grossly underestimate the power of a driver's license and my ability to use it.
People Who Read a Brilliant Piece of Humor Writing by Someone Like Tina Fey and Forward it On, Saying "I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself": Damn ass straight you couldn't. To which address would you like me to send your Understatement of the Year award?
People Who Follow Up Their Opinions on Facebook By Saying "Just My Opinion": Really? Thank god you said something. Because that statement of yours was so brilliantly crafted that for a second there I thought you were issuing some kind of EDICT. I'll call the plaque engraving company and cancel my order.