It’s been a long time coming. There have been many years of redneck driveway barbecues and plastic patio furniture, and I think it’s time for Mama to have a big-girl patio set and a nice sturdy platform to put it on.
My aunt recommended a deck builder, and he came by last week to give us a quote. He said he’d need until the weekend to pull the quote together. And while he has yet to give us the quote—he did give us HIS ENTIRE LIFE STORY. You know, to TIDE US OVER until he returns, which will be, oh … approximately … half past the first ice hockey game in hell.
I don’t do chatty contractors. I’m all, take your level and go SEE IF SOMETHING IS LEVEL. But do not speak to me. Because chances are I will discover that you are an asshole. And no matter how happy I am with the work that you have done, I will always remember you as THE MISOGYNIST BASTARD WHO BUILT MY NEW BATHROOM.
I have an uncle and a cousin. Actually I have about a million uncles and cousins, but two of them have offered to assist with the building of our deck. Actually three of them have, but one of them has about eight million other domestic improvement projects he needs to be working on (JOE, I’m talking to you), and I will not permit him to step away from his duties to partake in the pursuit of my personal happiness.
Now these gentlemen are not only awesome and valiant and kind and good and smart and my favorite people in the world right now, but they also know what they’re doing. They spent an hour and a half at our house this morning measuring and strategizing the deck, and there was much manly talk of bolts and joists and cantilevers, and I was all, OH MY GOD IF I WERE NOT RELATED TO YOU PEOPLE I WOULD BE VERY AROUSED RIGHT NOW.
I’m fascinated by people who understand how things are built. I was in a new-business meeting last week, and the potential client, a homebuilder, was all, “Do you know that there are people in this country who think brick houses are actually MADE of bricks? They don’t realize it’s a FAÇADE! It’s unreal!”
I put on my “HA! HA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHHA! STUPID FUCKING PEOPLE! SO CLUELESS! WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?” smile, but of course I had no idea. And, in my mind, I immediately went to the three little pigs, thinking, “But! But! Remember how the little resourceful brother pig built his house of bricks and the big bad wolf …”
And the potential client (I kid you not) said, “It’s like the three little pigs! They think because they have a brick house, nothing can blow it down!” And all the men in the room had a huge hearty chuckle about the stupidity of, well, ME, basically.
I LOVE MY JOB.
But not nearly as much as I’m going to love my new deck.