Have they taken the fear mongering to a whole new level, or is it just me? I watched for 15 minutes this morning. Just 15 measly minutes while I was putting on my makeup and drying my hair, and now look at all the new things I have to worry about.
And I’m not talking about the lead paint that’s all over the toys my kids like to eat (that fear is so “yesterday morning”); now they’ve discovered lead paint in Christmas wreaths! And you know how much I like to gnaw on my Christmas wreath! Nothing gives me more pleasure than standing on my front porch, face in wreath, sucking on those little plastic holly berries and petting its plush evergreen needles. (And then licking my hands afterwards). I must be riddled with toxins by now. It’s a wonder I can wash myself.
How easy is it to get tazed by the police these days? So easy! Betty Crocker easy. All you have to do is disagree with a senator or act a little mental and disoriented after getting off a plane (both of which I am overly capable of doing) and ZAP! CNN started the segment by saying “We have to warn you that this next clip is somewhat graphic …” Somewhat? And now, from the people who brought you “TOXIC WREATHS!”, a “somewhat graphic” holiday clip about a mentally ill man who is repeatedly zapped with 50,000 volts of electricity until … he dies. After the clip, they cut to a member of the police force, and he says, “Well, keep in mind, you’re just seeing one point of view in that video.” Okay. But it’s the point of view of a camera, which videotaped you killing a man.
Is Your Neighbor Taking Money From You? (Learn More After the Commercial Break!)
Oh my god! Maybe he is! I mean he is gay, after all. (And you know how them gays like to do.) Of course, after the commercial break, we discover that this is not a story about my neighbor stealing from me. At least not in the traditional sense. It’s another story about the housing market. Wait. Did I just say "housing market?" I’m sorry! I meant to say “Foreclosure Crisis”, which CNN’s Finance Editor Geri Willis tells me is my crisis—even if I have a fixed rate mortgage and I’m able to comfortably make my payments. Why is it my crisis? Because of my neighbor of course. (Damn you, Gary!) Even if I keep my house, he might not be able to afford his house, and the bank might foreclose on him, which would decrease the value of myhouse, and then … there goes the neighborhood! Ramen Noodles for everyone! For more detailed and prolonged hysteria, tune in to Geri Willis’s Open House, Saturday mornings at nine-thirty!
The Oil Companies. What Are They Doing With All Those Profits?
Kiran Chetry (who is really just Soledad O’Brien rewound ten years) was asking John Hofmeister, president of Shell Oil, that very question. Hofmeister is on a “50-city Tour” taking “Tough Questions” from the American public. I love when companies proactively parade their senior executives before the American public in an attempt to prove that they are kind, accessible people who have nothing to hide. I can just hear his PR handler coaching him prior to the CNN interview. Okay John. Here’s how we’re going to play this, right? If you get a little nervous, don’t try to imagine Kiran in her underpants like you did when she was Soledad. What’s that? Well it may have made you feel tranquil, but it made you look like a pervert. Now, listen up. This time, think Teddy Bear, all right? You’re like the Winnie the Pooh of Petrol. Except instead of being all stuffed with fluffies, you’re all stuffed with MONEY! Ha! Sorry. I was joking about that last bit. Okay, so, pretend I’m Kiran, and I’m reading you a question submitted by Lucinda-Mae Johnson in Bumfuckles, Iowa … wait, now, see right there? That thing you just did with your mouth? That’s what we call a smirk, John. Pooh does not smirk. On occasion, he might grin sheepishly at Christopher Robin, but he definitely does not smirk.
Just the fact that he’s an oil company president and he’s "on tour" is alarming to me, because it tells you how stupid the oil companies think we are. “I know! We’ll tell them it’s a Tour! And they’ll think it’s like a concert tour! Like with Bruce Springsteen, only instead of The Boss, we give them The Boss of Shell Oil Company! One minute they’ll be pissed off about gas prices, and the next you’ll have them flicking their Bics and singing Born in the USA.”