Sure enough, it did.
Our Home Depot tree did not, however, dispense sage investment advice, which I think is what sets New Canaan trees apart—and explains why real estate is so valuable in that neck of the woods. (Even the water there tastes faintly of gold bullion.)
This year will mark our twelfth Christmas together—and while we would love to wave a big environmentally friendly flag over our latest decision, it was sheer laziness that drove us to purchase an artificial tree. My parents, actually, were the pioneers. They went fake three Christmases ago and have never looked back. Though their tree looked extremely life-like, at the time I felt like they’d crossed over to the dark side.
What’s next? I thought. Plastic cookies? (No crumbs, no calories!)
Or how about Christmas carols that just sing themselves!
After just writing that, I realize that would be the definition of a Christmas CD. So, I guess we’ve already crossed over to the dark side.
And Lo! I have seen the light!
The lights, actually. They come pre-attached to the fake tree! You just yank that sucker out of the box, pop the poles together, plug it in the wall, and BAM! A perfectly, evenly lit tree.
And the branches! Oh the branches! Rather than being made of that cumbersome wood (so old-fashioned!) the branches are made out of wire! So if an ornament won’t hang right, you just bend the branch in a different direction.
Our fake tree doesn’t shed. It doesn’t need water. It takes about ten minutes to decorate. No one is allergic to it. And when Christmas is over, it won’t sit in our back yard until Gus’s birthday in May, when we finally haul it off because people we hardly know are coming over.
So, really, there is no reason to be ashamed of the fake tree! Fake is the new normal. Gus has totally bought in to the concept. Last night at dinner, he informed the family dining in the booth next to ours that “Santa is very excited to see our Christmas tree.” “Oh really!” they replied. “Did you help decorate it?” “No,” he informed them matter-of-factly. “We have to go home and build it first.”