1. I just fired my underwear for poor performance. It's not like I was asking a lot of them. The job description and responsibilities were very simple. Stand vigil between my ass and my pants. How hard is that? Apparently it is ENORMOUSLY challenging to this particular pair of wayward bikini briefs, who can not go FIVE SECONDS without losing focus and getting lost somewhere in the nether reaches of my colon. PINK SLIP.
2. A local dance studio has offered me two free Salsa lessons because they read my recent column for Her Nashville. This further proves my theory about dancers: THEY ARE EVIL. Wah ha ha ha! She can't dance! Let's invite her over so we can point and laugh and talk about it over margaritas "teach" her. I will probably take them up on it.
3. This weekend I'll be attending my cousin's wedding in Farfaraway, Georgia. The town isn't technically called Farfaraway, BUT IT MIGHT AS WELL BE. I'm going without the kids, and I will be traveling NINE HOURS back on Sunday. But before you get all up in my grill with your "Lucky you! Nine hours without the kids!" let me remind you that Sunday is Mother's Day, otherwise known as the only day of the year that my family is required by law to clean up after themselves and be nice to me. IT IS A VERY SPECIAL DAY. Please take pictures.
4. And speaking of my cousins getting married, what is UP with all my cousins getting married? It's ridiculous. They are BABIES. Barely out of the womb and yet SPRINTING TOWARD MATRIMONY and having children of their own. It's completely unacceptable. Reckless, as a matter of fact. I mean, my next-oldest cousin is seven years younger than ME, which is ABSURDLY young to be getting married, don't you think?
Don't answer that.