2. Even more offensive to me are the people who write, “If you’d like to see a picture of this item, email me and I’ll send it to you.” Are you f*ing kidding me? Of course I want to see a picture of it. What the hell is wrong with you? You’re telling me that you have a photo of your item AND the technological skill set to attach it to an email, but you're not going to upload it to Craigslist? How can I possibly buy what you’re selling? It might have stupid flakes all over it.
3. In the FREE section.
People who are giving stuff away, but only to someone who is “truly in need.” What the f*ck do you care? Are you giving your shit away or not? And who in god's name is going to drive to your house for six containers of infant formula, two unopened packages of adult diapers, and a two liter bottle of ginger ale, unless they are truly in need? What the hell is wrong with you?
4. In the job postings.
People who respond to a job I’ve posted with only the words “call me please 555-1212”. Yes. No. See, the way this works is, I tell you what I’m looking for, and then, using uppercase and lowercase letters, and commas and periods where appropriate, you tell me that you havewhat I’m looking for, citing specific examples to show me what you’re saying is true. Then I might call you.
5. Also in the job postings.
People who want me to deliver a lifetime’s worth of marketable skills—for no money. “We’re looking for a smart, energetic, endlessly curious and creative team player, with a great sense of humor, who can write cutting-edge copy that transforms the way people see the world. Must be a whiz at Photoshop, Illustrator, and video editing software, and have a firm understanding of the fundamental principals of photography. A working knowledge of major social media platforms, popular content management systems, web analytics, SEO, PPC and HTML are STRONGLY preferred. People who only want a day job NEED NOT APPLY!!!! This is an ENTRY-LEVEL position, with tremendous growth opportunity for the right candidate! If interested, please send us a cover letter (bonus points if you make us urinate on ourselves laughing!) and current resume stating why we should hire you.”
You shouldn’t hire me. Because I will come to where you are with a knife and kill you.
Thank you and good day.